Faith, Joy, Peace, Love

One year ago today we were home, our mind's restless. Our 4 year old son, Austin was diagnosed with either Retinoblastoma or Coates Disease.  As a parent, how can one be given a potentially life threatening diagnoses of a child without flipping out?   I was numb. Or did I cry? I remember desperately trying to focus on only what is, not what could be. So what is, was Coates Disease or Retinoblastoma. My husband and I made an agreement to only research and focus on the topic at hand.  I remember as a child all I did was focus on the future. "What if?." I remember the feelings of depression, headaches, tears, sadness and loneliness that came with "what if".  Why as a child did I always over analyze everything? As I thought about the diagnosis that was given, I thought the one thing I can not do, is think about, "what it could be".  Today it is about living in the moment. It is about finding the positive in each moment.  I also knew that I could not question, "Why Austin".  I had to find FAITH.  God was in control this time, not me. One of the first blessings God gave to me this time was a dream. Long story short, the dream would sustain me throughout Austin's cancer. It gave me the ending to the story.  How many of us know the ending to our stories? God was super clear with me. In the end of our "turbulent waters" Austin would be ok.  Now as a mom you still freak out. I had many moments of falling apart anywhere and everywhere. I learned that the cancer community is large (sadly) and there was more than one occasion when the checker in my grocery line would stop and pray for me. She did not care how long the line was behind me or what her boss would say. She was not thinking of the "what if", she was living in the very moment.

We did learn Austin had ,Retinoblastoma a childhood eye cancer. A few weeks later, I heard the word JOY in my head. It was quite clear and I heard it more than once so I knew. I knew that somehow I was supposed to find Joy in each moment. Crazy. That's what I said, but what I knew was that I had to listen. My mind said one thing, my heart said another.  So Austin and I found many joyful moments. We nicknamed the chemo machine, we played video games with the doctors, we got his nurses to make crazy faces for photographs, we had cakefights on and on. I later realized that there is a scripture that says, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. God knew that if I were to find Joy, it would give us strength.

A year has passed. A year full of so many, many tears, yet a year filled with so much joy. Today Austin was given a thumb's up, all clear in his good eye. We go back in 3 months. This is routine and will be for awhile. We also have Brain MRI's and blood work every six months to check for cancer.  I look back at how much I have learned in the last year. One of the most important is to not get ahead of myself. We often wish for a better relationship with our spouse, we wish we could be more patient with our children, we wish we had more me time. I wish I did not have to face this every 3 months, the not knowing.  If only we stopped wishing and started focusing on each moment you would be amazed at how much more focused you are in creating peace in your life. We are no longer overwhelmed with all that needs to happen or what you want to happen. We can simply focus on what needs to happen in the moment. A moment of joy, a moment of peace, we can then truly appreciate the time we have with each person.